I'm smiling.
You know, sometimes I like to reflect on my past, and see what things I've accomplished across the years, like doing art! and making it somewhat possible of a thing I can do for a living! that's neat isn't it?
Yet, sometimes I get reminded of my mistakes, of my errors, and they always hurt... But it's fine, I'm smiling as I know I'll get through them like I did before.
Even then, whenever I remember them they feel... too real. Like I'm reliving them again. Like the times I was bullied in school, I was made a joke of for most of it, and I still remember their laughs. I tried to join in the fun of it, but at the end of the day I was just a clown not fitting at all in that group.
But hey, I'm smiling, clowns gotta smile! don't you remember? (Even if that bullying ruined my school progression in more ways than one...)
I also remember the multiples times where I've felt close to my heart that everything I've been doing might just, fail and not be the success I've expected. That what I'm doing is pointless and will never work out, that I'll never achieve my goals in life, that I-...
But that's just silly! It surely won't happen right? That's why I'm smiling, after all...
There's also the multiple times I've been hated and made fun of on places like the internet or outside school, may it be because of my arts, my identity, what I stand for, my appearance... You name it. Even being targeted by a troll group in more than one occasion because I'm just a weirdo to them.
I won't let those comments get to me though, I gotta show everyone I'm strong, that I'll still be standing after all!! I'm just gonna be here, smiling...
There's also the time when I was a kid on the internet, and thought that I found my love! She was so cool and awesome, and I tried to please her in what I could, even if sometimes it meant that I needed to...
B-but hey! It's fine, what happened happened, and I'm fine, I'm smiling!! Can't you see?
This month also marks 8 years since I've been diagnosed with depression, and holy that's a lotta time! I thought I'd get over it soon enough... But it hasn't happened yet, and at this point nothing's pointing like it'll change either.
But I'll smile through it all, I'm smiling, I'm...
I'm really tired.
It just feels like its not worth it anymore, what's the point even? It just feels like I'm wandering through a desert searching for that good bit of water, and yet, it never appears.
But don't worry!! I'll still be here, smiling. Always smiling. For you, and for everyone else. A good smile can always cure everything, it always does... right?
-AnubiArts, the joyful clown.