An Update to the Arts
[Warning, mention of heavy topics]
I don't normally do updates through blogs, but I felt that for this one it was important.
Ever since the end of last year/start of this year, I decided to stop posting about my downs on social media, as I felt no one wanted to see that, not to mention that I was doing it constantly, so I started eating it all up, only opening to very close friends, but to be honest, I'm tired of it all, and I don't know how much I can keep doing art.
For one side, there's the fact that a group of people tried to cancel me for grooming/pedophilia just because I'm trans, getting to the point of raiding my discord server and posting gore of mutilated animals. Now I've took the steps to avoid this happening again in there, but still, it feels terrible that a part of my identity can lead to people trying to get me off the internet, subjecting the people I consider as friends to see horrible stuff (one of them was affected very hard by this), and even though its been a bit since that and I shouldn't worry about it, it makes me feel like shit still, and kinda kills my mood to be on social medias, even if this primarily happened on a specific social media and a discord server.
For the other, I've been trying to recover from the severe and extreme burnout I've had in late 2024, and while I feel I succeeded at the start of the year, I've kinda gone back on a free fall with this, anything I do never seems to work out and I've been struggling more and more to get that art spark reignited again, and if I don't do art it feels like everything I've worked for is in vain, worthless, not to mention I literally depend on doing/posting art consistently as a way to sustain myself, I've kinda put myself in this hole slowly for the last 5 years and now it feels impossible to escape.
I've tried other ways to make this be sustainable, such as Shop Items, Memberships and Commissions, but: Shop Items practically never sold, barely anyone got a membership, no matter the benefits I offered, and while commissions seem to work the best out of them all, it burns me out even faster, which I really want to avoid in cases like these.
Another minor thing I still feel is worth pointing out is that my growth on most social medias tanked, and nothing I do seems to change that. What was the turning point? I have no idea, but it feels like nothing's changing this, no matter what I try.
So basically, for the last few months I've been trying to keep squeezing that art spark to make ends meet, even if I've been feeling terribly bad, or without much motivation to do art.
After all of this, you might expect me to take a break or so, but I can't really allow myself this due to depending on sustaining myself with it, so I'll try to do art still, it's just that I have no idea how long I can keep doing this. I try to be positive with it, that maybe tomorrow it'll get better, but it never does, and at this point nothing points to that changing either.
I don't want everything I've been doing so far to be in vain, I don't want it to go to waste, I wanna keep chasing that distant dream, but everyday it seems like the end to it all is so ever approaching.
I want to give up.
-AnubiArts. Not in the mood for a pun here.